Unlucky Horoscope

There have been times recently when I have reflected upon the recent events in my life and realized that I am no longer as accident prone or unlucky as I used to be. No bones have been broken, no lifts have I become trapped in and it’s been a very long time since I was last fooled into having my eyebrows dyed. It makes me think that I have grown up, matured and become more careful and responsible.

Then there are other times when I realize this could not be father from the truth and my horoscope might as well say, “Get extra life insurance. You’re screwed today.” The stars and planets of accident prone foolery align and everything that can go wrong does go wrong.

The following all took place with in the last weekend for example:

• I provided target practice for bird that was in need of an emergence bowel evacuation. Judging by the ‘evidence’ I would say it was a very large and very ill pre-historic bird. I still do not know if there was a reason why it had to get it down the back of my neck other then for its own amusement.
• I momentarily blinded myself with shampoo while in the shower. When I finally regained my sight I checked the list of contents in the shampoo to make sure acid was not one of the ingredients since it had felt like it could have been. It took sometime for my eyes to change back from stingy red to their more natural colour.
• I knocked over half the contents of my bathroom shelf with a hair brush while still recovering from my momentary blindness. As a result I have invented a new hair gel, toothpaste and aftershave combination. The result is plak free hair that smells great.
• A full bottle of wine was transformed into a collection of glass in a puddle of red on my kitchen floor when the simple act of opening the refrigerator door dislodged it from its secure resting place. The result looked like a peace of modern art which I decided to call ‘Unlucky Sober Man Standing in Red Wine’. Although this might have been a great addition to the art world it was a great loss to my Saturday night and did present me with the problem of safely escaping my kitchen since I was bare foot at the time. It could have been worse though, the bottle had only just missed my foot and ‘Unlucky Sober Man with Broken Toes’ does not have the same ring to it.