Dutch Circle Party Guide – How to Survive a Dutch Birthday
If you’ve lived in The Netherlands for any length of time you’ve probably encountered a Dutch birthday party, and if you haven’t you will eventually. It is inevitable. A Dutch birthday party can be best described as a ‘party’ that involves sitting around in a circle all afternoon and chatting while drinking tea or coffee and eating cake. Because of this they have become know as Dutch circle parties among a lot of people (expats and Dutch alike). Anyone who only considers a party to be a party if someone is passed out drunk in the corner, people are making out in the kitchen and the cops have been called at least three times is going to be sorely disappointed. Here is everything you need to know.
1) Gefeliciteerd and Arriving at the Party
When arriving at a Dutch circle party you will be expected to greet everyone, not just the birthday boy or girl. Don’t expect to get away with a general group, “hello,” either. You’ll have to make your way around the circle, greeting each person individually (with a handshake or cheek kisses, depending on the situation).
At this point it is very important to know that when the other attendees shake your hand and announce ‘Gefeliciteerd’ they are not introducing themselves with their name. It might start to seem like you are being introduced to a very big family (or that Gefeliciteerd is a more common name in The Netherlands than Smith) but they are in fact wishing you, “congratulations”. You are expected to congratulate them in return. Don’t make the same mistake I made when attending my first Dutch birthday party.
Guest: “Gefeliciteerd.”
Me: “Stuart. Nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Gefeliciteerd.”
All this congratulating happens because it is custom for the Dutch to congratulate everyone at the birthday party. It is not (as I later discovered) because they are unsure who the birthday boy or girl is (don’t try to be helpful by pointing). Family members will be congratulated for their connection to their Son/Daughter/Grandchild/Brother/Sister/Niece/Nephew/Cousin/other. Friends will be congratulated for being friends with their friend and neighbors will be congratulated for living next door to someone who is having a birthday. Every loose connection to the birthday girl or boy is celebrated.
2) Joining The Circle
The party will take place exclusively in the living room because that is where the seating has been arranged. Anything that even resembles a chair, sofa or stool will have been dragged from every other room in the house (or in emergencies the neighbors house) to form a circle. This is possibly because it is the optimal seating arrangement that allows for conversation.
Small side note; it does not technically have to be a perfect circle but I cover that in my post on Circle Party Closed Loop Theory.
Once you have successfully found a place to sit within the circle (not necessarily next to the people you arrived with and most likely between people you don’t know at all) you will be offered a drink and some cake. If you desire a drink with a little extra kick it is advisable to secretly conceal a hip flask of alcohol about your person. The strongest thing to be served at most Dutch circle parties is tea and coffee.
If all the congratulating from earlier has left you confused about who the birthday person is don’t worry, they are most likely the one who just served you tea and cake. In fact, they will be responsible for all the catering. They don’t get much of a rest on their special day. They even have to buy or bake their own cake.
3) Meeting the Family and Other Party Guests
The guests you’ll find at a typical Dutch birthday party are usually a mix of friends, family and other acquaintances. It is custom for there to be a minimum of 3 or 4 generations of family present (the maximum limit is only set by the average human life span). This makes it entirely possible to go from a conversation about life as a member of the Dutch resistance during World War 2 to another about which My Little Pony character is the best and why. It’s best to avoid getting these two conversations mixed up. Princess Twilight Sparkle was never part of the Dutch resistance.
However, since a lot of these conversations will be in Dutch and thus impossible for a non-Dutch speaker to follow it is best to find something of interest to do to pass the time such as; staring at a wall, listening to the clock tick, trying to guess how much Dutch ‘worst & kaas’ you can eat or simply going to your happy place.
4) Dutch Circle Party Surprise
However, you must also stay alert! As a non Dutch speaker it is possible to go from being unintentionally ignored to suddenly having the entire room focus upon you within a split second. This is usually because everyone is waiting silently for your answer to a question that you didn’t hear because you were too busy watching a bug crawl across the window.
It can happen because a Dutch attendee simply wanted to practice their English, ask you what brought you to the Netherlands or simply want to know the current prices of the UK housing market. Whatever the reason, everyone in the room suddenly wants to hear the English speaker talk and they never seem to realize what a shock to the system this sudden intimidating attention can be. Nor do they realize that testing us on our Dutch under the watchful eye of a room full of native speakers is not necessarily the most comfortable of situations.
5) When Does a Dutch Circle Party Finish?
But do not worry if you are outted as the only expat in the room. You will not have to suffer for long. Most Dutch birthday parties have a set end time at a very respectable hour. In fact, when most parties elsewhere in the world are just getting started a Dutch circle party is promptly finishing. If you are unsure when you should leave, don’t worry. The host or hostess will politely remind their guests it is time to leave by cleaning up around them.
PARRTTTYYYY!!!!!
- Find out more about the Dutch Circle Party by checking out these posts:
- How To Identify a Dutch Circle Party
- Dutch Circle Party Closed Loop Theory
- Children’s Dutch Circle Party
I found out that the dutch are actually educated to keep the tradition of the circle party. Learning to sit in a circle is part of every Dutch child’s developmental milestones, it seems.
My Dutch sister-in-law was convincing me to sign my 1.5 yr old child up for the waiting list for the “peuterspeelzaal” (translated: toddler play school). When asked what the benefits of going sending him to the play school are, she replied “De kinderen leren in een KRING te zitten, Dan kunnen ze dat al in groep 1 doen.”
I was completely horrified by the thought of my own child hosting his own circle party in the future.
Spot on hahaha!
Hahaha, love your style! As a Dutchie I’ve always liked these parties but my husband who immigrated here hates them as well. He calls them worst-kaasscenario’s!
As a Dutch person I truly HATE these circle going parties.
I ended up with the non-social thing to do. Just say ‘Hi!’ and ‘Bye!’ to everybody in the room, and find a chair close to the exit.
Accept cake and coffee and leave as soon as is social acceptable. Especially kids birthdays.
The nicest parties are thrown by my expat friends, non of this circle sitting or cheese and augurken madness…. ;)
I have quite a few Dutch friends who feel the same way :)
Believe it or not, they teach the etiquette at birthday parties for Inburgering (KNM course to be precise).
My Dutch husband too finds greeting everyone ridiculous, and he’s not the kind who likes the 3 kisses – can tell by the expression on his face. Hahaaa! I find it all exhausting. And weird that we eat the birthday cake first (is it rude to decline?). From where I come from (Singapore), we eat the satay and all the abundance of delicious food first, then everyone gathers to sing the birthday song, blow the candles and slice the cake. Normally there’s only 1, so not everyone gets a slice and nobody cares because they already gobbled down the satay.
That’s a good question. I have no idea if it is rude to decline cake. I think it might be. I’m too scared to try and find out.
I’m not surprised it is part of the inburgering exam at all :D
Just ask a little bit nervous if there’s ‘gluten’ in the cake ;)
It will be very easy to decline cake, as people don’t want to risk it :D
I might try that next time :D
As a Canadian of Dutch Heritage, I suggest you embrace the circle for it prepares us for social interaction and the ability to gracefully sit through business meetings, dinners and other mundane yet required social interactions. Our Dutch Heritage has prepared the way to many an opportunity… dont mess it up
I’m dutch and I hated circle parties all my life! And I just say a loud hi everyone, congratulations and get myself a seat. Feeling very uncomfortable…
And then I got kids. And organized circle parties haha. They are not so bad when you are the organizer yourself. Then you have the excuse to walk around and hide yourself in the kitchen. (Excuse me for mistakes in writing haha)
Such a boring party god help me. I always sit there and think what the fuck is happening.. so boring turn on the music !! And where is the food? So little? No drinks? At least if im boring i can enjoy music or eat more or being drunk to speak haha
Native dutchie here.. In general at Dutch birthday parties the host is inviting people over, usually you don’t just go there because they’re in your contacts. But feel free to ask the host if you want to come. And we only ask the people we actually want in our personal life. It is a privilege to be invited and the guests congratulate each other for caring about the host.
There are two modes in these parties that depend on the level of authority amongst the participants. When a highly respected elder or social/religious/work leader is in the room you get the scene like described in the article. It is very uncomfortable for everyone, including the host. At the end everybody is glad it is over, but we rarely express that.
But when everyone is on the same level or the authority left early then the party is way more loose. There will be music, coffee, tea, fresh juice, strong alcohol, lots of beer. There is a circle to bridge generation gaps, but you are allowed to be wherever you like or help with the catering. Those smaller scattered groups allow for more intimate conversation. Even with people you never met before. The host still decides what is allowed and who is invited, but often people will bring some food and drinks with them. Especially those with allergies. And the leftovers are shared with those who help cleaning up.
When you find yourself in the first situation, just try to make it more loose. We Dutch are very sensitive to group pressure. So when we arrive in a uncomfortable group we tend to copy who is already there, making it worse. But when someone starts acting different you will see others will follow and it will become more like a party. At first you may get some frowns and comments, but don’t forget about Dutch respect: honesty is often (in the end) more admired and respected than pretending to be someone you’re not. Just say you don’t like circle groups and break it up. You will find that the group will rearrange to adapt to your preference. If they find it not okay then those people have a problem, not you. Just be yourself. If the host invited you just know that they appreciate you being you, no matter what the group is saying. You are welcome there.
What’s a birthday party like in Canada?