The Dutch Three Kiss Rule
If you have a Dutch friend it is inevitable that at some point during your friendship they will try to kiss you. It’s a simple fact. They can’t control themselves. However, when this does happen it is important to not get to excited (or scared). It is not necessarily a sign that they have finally given into your animal magnetism and wish to take your friendship to the next level. No. You have probably just encountered the Dutch three kiss rule.
The Dutch Cheek Kiss
In the Netherlands it is considered quite normal for Dutch people to greet each other with three kisses on the cheek. It is also custom to do the same again when saying good bye. It’s just a friendly way of saying hello and farewell. It’s not limited to the Dutch either. As part of your inburgering process you might be expected to join in too. This can seem rather shocking if you come from a country such as England where shaking hands before the third date is sometimes considered being quite forward. Luckily there are a few unwritten rules to help guide you and stop things becoming too socially awkward.
Who Should I Be Kissing?
Sometimes it is hard to know just how familiar you have to be with someone before you should start kissing them on the cheeks every time you see them. I see my dentist on a regular occasion but should I start kissing him on the cheeks three times before he starts my six month check up? What about the people on the train that I see every day but don’t actually know the names of yet? Should I be working my way down the train carriage, kissing each of them three times on the cheeks as I go? Probably not. It would seem that it is best to only use the three kiss greeting with close friends and family (unless you want to cause a scene and/or be forced to find a new dentist).
But Who Kisses Who?
Depending on how you look at it, it would seem that the ladies have drawn the short straw when it comes to cheek kissing. They are expected to kiss and get kissed by everyone. Men, women, children… house hold pets if they are really unlucky. However, men are only expected to cheek kiss women. This seems to be an unwritten rule that they might have had some involvement in the writing of (if it had been written down).
Real vs. Fake
There is some debate over whether the cheek kisses given should be real or fake air kisses. There seem to be variations on this part of the three kiss rule. However, all parties involved tend to agree that it is not good etiquette to lick your lips and proceed to make the other person cheeks very wet.
Left, Right, Left or Right, Left, Right?
It is a good idea to have some kind of signal worked out beforehand for who is going to go which way first. Get it wrong and there is a high risk that your friendship will suddenly become far more intimate than before or (if at a family gathering) you will never hear the end of the story about the time you tried to make out with your Grandmother (Oma).
Kissing Like An Expat
Equally confusing is what happens when neither of you are Dutch. Do you still follow the Dutch three kiss rule or do the greeting rules of your own country apply? What if you are both from different countries with different rules? What then? Which rule overrides which? One kiss? Two kisses? Three? Four?! FIVE??!!
And what about the extremely awkward moments where one of you goes in for a kiss but the other goes in for a hug (and you end up accidentally kissing their neck) or a handshake (and you end up randomly kissing the air in front of their face)?
And even the Dutch don’t know what to do sometimes. It can be very confusing. What are you supposed to do as a Dutch person when faced with a group of expats? Kiss? Hug? Shake hands? Nod? Give them a friendly punch on the arm? Rub noses? The whole thing can be very distressing.
Birthday Cheek Kissing
If you are attending someone’s birthday it is often expected split up the word ‘gefeliciteerd’ while kissing them on the cheek three times as if attempting some kind of ventriloquist trick.
“Ge… *kiss* …feli… *kiss* …citeerd *kiss*”
And finally… A Word of Warning about the three kiss rule
Be careful when dealing with the elderly. They have become extremely cheeky in their old age and will try to bend the rules of the three kiss system. They have gone rogue.
Maybe you notice that their first cheek kiss was dangerously close to the corner of your mouth. It could have been an accident. Maybe their eye sight is not so good any more. So you take extra precaution on the second kiss and try to steer them more towards the cheek area with an extra turn of your head. However, they seem to resist your attempts and the second kiss lands right on the corner of your mouth. You feel part of their lips on yours! With a sudden horror you realize there is still one more kiss to go and it was not an accident. They are zeroing in, getting closer and closer. They are actually attempting to kiss you! There is only one terrifying question that fills your mind at that point. What do I do? What do I do?!
For that I have no answer. The Dutch three kiss rule won’t help you either. You are on your own!
Haha! Love this. I find it difficult enough in the UK when some friends hug upon meeting and others don’t – what am I to do?!? Could not cope if kissing was thrown into the mix as well!
The confusion gets increased 200% when it is.
Like it, birthday cheek kissing part, I really need to do that in next month. Dank je wel!
I must say that my dutch husband experienced an embarrassing moment when he was in my country. He started kissing a female relative that never heard of the Dutch 3 kiss rule and on the last one because she stopped moving – landed on her mouth! that was shock to all! It is still told till this day ;-)
Thank you Stu for your observations. Even for the Dutch themselves this can be quite confusing because there are regional, local and interpersonal variations. I have a few personal additions to your observations though.
Exceptions to the main rule.
You’re alone in new company; shake hands.
You’re in a formal situation; shake hands. Unless you’re on a friendly basis with the handshakee; then you fall back to the main rule. However keep a safe distance so body’s don’t touch from the chin down.
In some festive or mournful situations you will get kissed anyway. Even by complete strangerettes.
Men kissing men?
The main rule is: Men don’t kiss men. They shake hands (formal) or give a brief hug with firm pats on the back (friends).
Nowadays heterosexual men also kiss their gay male friends, the gay male friends of their significant other and the close gay male friends of other close friends. The “body’s don’t touch from the chin down†rule also applies here.
I hope these additions are useful to someone.
Yes, it’s true.
Birthday parties with my in-laws and elder aunts and uncles, I did tend to get smooched quite a lot! One time, I thought I’d be clever and just wave hello to everyone and I got the evil eye.. (Stuart – did you write a blog about the look that can kill?). So, I ended up going around, congratulating everyone and kissing everyone.
Even colleagues, when returning from the summer holiday, or after the New Year, will sometimes want to kiss each other.
If you are absolutely anti-kissing, there IS a trick, it’s called the straight-armed handshake! You stick your hand out very stiffly and formally, and then the person knows not to zoom in for a kiss. (Still doesn’t work with Uncle Frans, I’m afraid…).
This is how my English Boyfriend accidently kissed my grandma on the lips! haha