How To Queue Like The Dutch and Survive
As a stereotypical Englishman I have a particular (and some would say unhealthy) interest in queuing. Most English people do. It is a natural instinct for us to wait in lines. We might complain about the queue once we are in it but this is all just part of the tradition. The English like queues. We just don’t like waiting. We like the sense of order and rules. It is comforting that even if we have to wait an annoyingly long time at least there is a system.
Queue Like The Dutch
As an Englishman queuing in The Netherlands has taken some time to get used to. In Holland queuing is an extreme sport. There are no rules, only survivors. The most extreme cases of this can be observed when attempting to board a busy train in The Netherlands. This is something that I have to do daily. I have had a lot of time to analyse it scientifically and take notes. There are several steps to what can be loosely termed ‘queuing in The Netherlands’. Here is everything you need to know to queue like the Dutch.
Step 1: The Cluster
Preparations begin the moment the train is spotted in the distance. The Dutch start moving towards the edge of the platform. They try to predict where a train door will end up and defend that spot from others. This causes small clusters of people to form around the predicted door locations. However, they never get it right. These small clusters of people end up shuffling along the platform, trying to follow their chosen door, as the train slowly comes to a stop. This often causes them to walk backwards into other people, swallowing them up into their group.
Step 2: The Gap
Eventually the train comes to a stop. The clusters of people around each of the train doors will re-form slightly, creating a narrow gap. This gap is for the people exiting the train. However, it is more of a gesture than a practical exit route. The gap is kept as narrow as possible. This is to avoid people of the back the waiting group using it to gain ground.
Step 3: Hold The Line
As passengers exit the train the people on the outer edges of the cluster already start to get restless. They shuffle and move around, trying to see how much longer they have to wait. If they see any weakness within the group they will take it. Always be on your guard.
Step 4: The Collapse
As the last person exits the train the cluster of eager Dutch people will immediately collapse in on itself. Everyone tries to rush forward through the doors at the same time. Arms, elbows, bags, large suitcases, hot cups of tea or coffee and body mass are all legitimate strategies to keep people back and gain ground on others. A battle cry is optional.
If a passenger is too slow getting off the train before this happens they are doomed. They will be swept back up onto the train by the unstoppable current of oncoming passengers. They will find themselves at the next station before they realize what has happened.
In Conclusion:
If you survive and are able to board the train you are one of the lucky ones. You have discovered how to queue like the Dutch. Many people have not been so lucky.
Of course, if you have made it on to the train there is still one challenge that awaits you; The race to find a seat. Good luck.
Discover more strangeness about the Dutch in: 19 Strange Dutch Habits and Customs
Lived in NL for 14 years. Never once encountered free for all queuing here. Very unfair article.
I’ve lived here for 23 years and I can tell you all of it is true.
I think you are very lucky GP and have never had to get the Intercity Direct between Rotterdam and Amsterdam.
Still forgot the one mouthbreather that insists on standing RIGHT in front of the door so that nobody can get off. An ex-colleague of mine decided to literally fall off the train into this guy’s arms and said “dank je wel!” as he stood, stunned, holding her!
It would have been amazing if that story had ended with, “and they were married two weeks later.”
GP you are one lucky person, I go through this every single day, I’ve even started nicknaming people after the way they push and or run, just a few examples:
The pusher;
The i’ll spill coffee all over you if you won’t let me through;
The killer bycicle woman;
The seat predator
:)
It is annoying in the begining but now it’s just plain fun
Hahahahaha, the killer bicycle woman, so true, the besties are with foldable bicycles when they unfold it just after getting off the train without even looking if there is anyone behind and might get hurt, happened to me more than once lol
I am Dutch and the blog is soooooo true. First I thought; what is wrong with the way we are queueing. But it is hilarious when you read it. Man, we are rude! I think it has to do with the fact that there are to little seats and to many travelers. Not an excuse :-). Im curious how the english people queue.
I am Dutch and the blog is soooooo true. First I thought; what is wrong with the way we are queueing. But it is hilarious when you read it. Man, we are rude! I think it has to do with the fact that there are to little seats and to many travelers. Not an excuse :-). Im curious how the english people queue.
The sad thing is that this is not even a joke….
I’ve seen it a few times and am grateful I don’t have to face it regularly. I faced a similar situation daily in NY on the subway. I was thankful that I lived at the start of a train line, so I was able to avoid the battle first thing in the morning.
That’s not a bad idea. I might move to Breda so I can get on the Intercity Direct before anyone else.
Hah this is so true! Thankfully (?!) in Helsinki it’s the same so it hasn’t been much of a culture shock. However, coming home after spending 5 days in London I found myself constantly irritated by people walking all over the place instead of sticking to one side like people do in London (except the tourists, like me :D )
I feel your pain.
That’s why we have number systems in town halls, pharmacies etc. We dutch simple do not know how to queue!
I was at a Begian festival once and where there were a lot of young British, too. They even made an ordely queue for the portable toilets and were annoyed if someone would jump in front. “Excuse me, there’s a queue!”
So we need a number system for trains and toilets :D
It always seems awkward to correct a native speaker, but … You used “courses” twice in step 1, where “causes” seems to be the correct word.
Nonetheless, I totally recognize your observations. Since I normally travel first class by train, I have the luxury to just wait it all out. 1st is rarely full.
You don’t have to feel awkward about correcting me. I’m grateful that you pointed it out so that I could correct it.
I find more annoying the comment about traveling first class by train than the grammar correction!
I first experienced this when I was getting to know my Dutch Partner 5 years ago.
We were on the train from Amsterdam to Maastricht, there was no late train for the last part of the journey, we were told there was a bus provided instead. We went to the bus stop & we were the 1st there so I thought I was 1st in the queue, brilliant. Gradually more & more people came and then the bus arrived the doors opened & there was one almighty surge onto the bus I was left standing, my Partner said the look on my face was amazing! I could not believe the stampede the bus wasn’t even full !
I find this hard to get used to, along with nobody saying ‘excuse me’ if they want to pass you or ‘sorry’ for bumping into you !
I’ve had similar happen to me as well. so many times I’ve been on the platform first and nearly last to get on the train.
Hah! So true! When I came to America I was surprised to learn they teach kids to walk in straight lines to go from classroom to classroom and wait their turn at bathrooms at such. Waste of time! I thought, still think so. But it serves a purpose, I guess. Thanks for making me smile on this early morning!
Can’t see the point in queueing. Good sir, you wound my sensitive English sensibilities. I almost dropped my tea in shock.
Yup, I’ll agree on all of those. It’s even valid on the buses too (main transport for me around Almere).
It was especially annoying when I first moved over, and I’d be first at the bus stop waiting for my bus in Amsterdam (having just missed the bus before, so you KNOW you’re the first there, at an empty stop). I’d have a heavy backpack with me, full of wargaming models, yet somehow by the time the next bus appeared, I’d be the LAST person to get on it!
Yep. that is so true. It happens to me every time when ever I miss a train.
Very True. As dutchman I am guilty of it too… I find the english queing and order very attractive for certain things (like keeping on the left on an escalator so the right is free for people in a hurry, the dutch tendency to block escalators is one of my biggest pet peeves, and I AM dutch for goodness sake)
They slow seem to be making the standing on the right more of a thing on the NS. With any luck it might start working.
with us dutchies? Half the time you ask someone to move so you can pass to catch the train they have the temerity to be annoyed at YOU, because they think they should be able to stand wherever they want. And I know this is true because I very much recognise the impulse in myself :P
Oh my God! this is hilarious! My partner, which is dutch, is laughing his ass off while he’s saying “it’s true, it’s true”. You’re the best guy! hahahahahaha
Thank you. I’m glad you both liked it :)
All very true! As a Dutchie with many years of train boarding experience, I recognise each of the phases. I have mellowed a bit over the years, so I will give those in need some space and an opportunity to board the train before me… and occasionaly use my experience to thwart those who think they can get ahead!
Welcome to the light side.
On the subject of queueing like a Dutchie – the supermarket or department store offers some great examples too! People blatantly walking up to the front of the queue, claiming they didn’t realize there was a queue. And people keeping an eye out for a new till opening in a busy supermarket, so they can rush up from the back and beat all those who have been waiting for quite a while already…. My wife, who’s English, just can’t get used to it.
Another one is when there is obviously a one queue system (one big queue were the person at the front goes to next available till) but some decides F that forces it into a multi queue system.
Having travelled to work by train for years, taking three hours a day in total, four years ago I bought a nice road tax-free diesel (duh!). And it took me 45 minutes for a 75 km drive. Nice and dry. Alone. Hardly any traffic jams (north). No queuing. No elbows.
Now my employer forces me to go back to the NS again. For budget reasons. Thanks Stu for the reminder of the daily NS journey. This time I’m going to take precautions. Every morning, I’m going to soak myself with Old Spice. Creating ample room at the terrace and in the train. Off course my colleagues will be a bit, ehm, sad. But I don’t care. Have to stay clear of the eternal burning smoking poles, though.
Catching on fire might make people give you more room though… might.
I see this article is about Holland and I don’t go there very often, so it might be true. But this certainly is different for other parts of the Netherlands. I have lived in the Netherlands for almost 30 years and don’t recognize any of the steps.
Funny article that made me laugh though, well written! :)
I’ve travelled by train all over the Netherlands and this is true when boarding any busy train and on any busy platform. When it’s quiet, then you obviously don’t notice this behavior at all.