The Ebenezer Scrooge Timeline

The ghost of Christmas past could not have foreseen the consequences of their actions because her realm is the past. Because of this she has no forward planning ability. If you were to ask her what she planned to do next weekend she would be unable to tell you. She would not even be able to understand the concept. She would, however, be able to give you a very accurate detailed description of what she had done last weekend.

The ghost of Christmas present was not to blame either. He is even more impaired than his backward looking co-worker. His mind is only filled with the here and now. He would not be able to give you a description of his future weekend plans or even what he did last weekend. However, he is very good at describing what he is doing as he does it. This is also the reason why he does not get invited to any more parties. His running commentary on what is happening as it happens makes for very boring conversation.

Only the ghost of Christmas future could be held responsible for what transpired. He is the only one with the ability to see all possible futures. However, he is a jerk and he thought it would be funny. He has been reprimanded several times for similar disregards of the official guidelines in the past. It was soon realized that any punishment issued to him for these actions was ultimately useless since he is unable to remember the past. He can only remember the future.

Most people are the results of their past actions and choices. The ghost of Christmas future however is the result of his future actions and choices. Sadly no one realized soon enough that one of his future actions was to destroy the world. That however is another story.

The three of them had been put together with the hope that collectively they would be able to do the job of one ghost. This turned out to be a disaster but a legal loop hole in the equal opportunities guidelines made it impossible to fire them.

None of this mattered however, not after they had so royally messed up history by interfering in the life of one Ebenezer Scrooge.

In the original pages of history Ebenezer Scrooge was a penny pinching miser who died alone and unloved. Although his impact on the lives of those around him was felt heavily his influence on the bigger picture of history was unnoticeable. Within a few decades of his death any ripples in history he might have created faded away into obscurity. He died and left no family, no friends, no one to remember him apart from the ones he made suffer. No one suffered more than his clerk Bob Cratchit. He was unable to afford treatment for his son Tiny Tim on the poor wage Scrooge paid him. A few years after Ebenezer Scrooge’s death Tiny Tim also died.

These were the sad events that history was supposed to record. However, when the ghosts of Christmas interfered one night in 1843 everything changed forever.

Ebenezer Scrooge became a good man, a caring man, a kind man. He was able to find love again and became a dedicated husband and father. He made Bob Cratchit a full partner in his business and insured that Tiny Tim received the best treatment and did not die. Everything was good. Everyone was happy.

But then everything started to go wrong. The changes to history became more and more apparent with Ebenezer Scrooge’s descendants. It was up to the ghosts of Christmas to correct their mistake.

The New Ebenezer Scrooge Timeline

– On December 18th 1856 the serial killer known only as Tiny Tim claims his twelfth victim. The police never catch him and he becomes more infamous then Jack the Ripper. The only clue he ever leaves is a badly scribbled note which reads, “Gowd blass us everyone.”

– On December 29th 1896 David Scrooge accidentally succeeds where Guy Fawkes failed by blowing up the Houses of Parliament. He is startled by a mouse and drops his lamp in the Prime Minister’s secret rum stash. This also causes the second great fire of London.

– On December 6th 1943 Timmy Scrooge falls asleep at his post after a night of drinking bootleg booze made from anti-freeze, cough syrup and his wife’s hair dye. As a result a small group of German spies are able to sneak into the country. They hide in the British countryside for several months where they pose as Yorkshire farmers near an army base. They send British army intelligence secrets back to their fatherland and World War II lasts three years longer.

– On December 12th 1952 Scrooge Records buys Sun Records. After a four hour argument in a broken elevator about which dinner sells the best burgers James Scrooge fires Sam Phillips, the man who originally discovered Elvis. The King is never given a record deal as a result. Ironically he spent the rest of his life working as a burger chef in a diner instead.

– On December 2nd 1997 it is discovered that Eric Scrooge, Prime Minister of Great Britain, is completely barking mad. Sadly, the damage is already done by the time the public realise this. His last act as Prime Minister is to declare himself Candy King and rename London as Gum Drop Fun Town.

– On December 30th 2009 Sam Scrooge accidentally starts World War III at a peace talk. He mistakenly translates the phrase, “I agree to the peace terms,” as, “Shove it where the sun don’t shine you commie [expletive deleted].”

The ghosts of Christmas had a lot of work cut out for them.

(Copyright© Accidentally Dutch 2007)