Things I Learnt At College

1) If you are using an empty coke bottle to clean your brushes while painting never put the full coke bottle that you are actually drinking from with in reach. If the watery paint taste does not make you realize your error the paint brush hitting you in the back of the throat will.

2) The tutors don’t appreciate it when you drink all of their coffee and it is hard to hide guilt when you are really hyper.

3) Toy frogs are good at politics.

4) If you are making a life size dummy for a project never ever leave it hanging in the studio over night to dry. Security will really freak out when they see it through the window in the middle of the night and think a student has hung themselves.

5) If you put your bake potato lunch down on your chair while you clean some space on your desk for it, what ever you do, don’t sit down.

6) If an attractive girl asks you for help with something find out what it is before you say yes. Having your eye lashes dyed brown is not worth it, especially when you don’t end up getting her phone number anyway.

7) Never agree to play strip poker if you are so drunk that you think you are about to play black jack.

8) Never drink the punch at the pre summer ball party. You’ll only wake up in a corridor, wondering how you got there and why your vomit is fluorescent pink.

9) If a tutor falls asleep during the lesson he is giving, there is no harm in letting him sleep for a little while.

10) Keeping score of how many times a tutor says ‘er’ or ‘um’ during a lecture is fun but you might not be able to stop your self cracking up and being found out when they break the 200 mark.

11) Be quick with the alt + tab keys so tutors don’t see you playing solitaire when you should be taking notes.

12) Never ever take the bare wires from a computer fan, stick them in an electrical socket and turn it on. If you do, don’t be surprised when there is a very loud bang (not me).

13) Never use the disc sander to sand a peace of wood the size of a coin. It takes a while for the skin to grow back and they have to change the sand paper (also not me, the same not me).

14) Never super glue a doll on the ceiling above the desk of the girl with a doll phobia. If you do, don’t be surprised when she gets very, very angry.

15) No one died in the old studio theatre, it is not haunted and it is wrong to tell the new students that it is.

16) Never super glue your fingers together, especially while doing number 14 (it makes it harder to hide your guilt).

Believe it or not I graduated student of the year and had to give a speech at the graduation ceremony. The audience was laughing a lot but the college deans were not to happy that I turned it into a stand up comedy routine.