Dreadfully Dutch Fake Facts – Part 1

1) Everyone in Holland is 6’5 tall. Any Dutch person who has not reached this height by their 21st birthday is exiled to Belgium.

2) Due to a series of escalating over exaggerated tourists stories visitors to Amsterdam are often disappointed to discover that the red light district is in fact just an area with a lot of faulty traffic lights.

3) Dutch music was first invented during World War II as a means of ‘interrogating’ German spies. However, when the human rights movement put a stop to this practise another use had to be found for it. Incidentally this is why you will never find a German at a Frans Bauer concert.

4) Frans Bauer and Jack Bauer are related.

5) The Dutch government is very concerned about the over harvesting of wind by the county’s many windmills. They foresee a real danger that this resource will run out in the next 5 years. This is not helped by the fact that all Dutch people live in windmills.

6) The Dutch phrase ‘ja hoor’ has caused several diplomatic incidents when English speaking diplomats have mistaken it for the Dutch diplomats calling them names (sometimes they were).

7) A lot of Dutch land has been reclaimed from the sea by pumping out the water and building fake land. This has proved very successful. However, at high tide the water still comes up to everyone’s ankles.

8) Holland is so flat that someone in Friesland can wave to someone in Belgium. The Dutch are deadly jealous of any country with the smallest of mountains, hills or speed bumps.

9) Even Dutch people giggle every time someone starts talking about the water ‘dykes’

10) The wide popularity and use of bicycles in Holland can be directly linked to the song ‘Bicycle Race’ by Queen when it became a smash hit in 1978. Bicycle sales jumped by 89% and, “I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride it where I like,” became a national slogan.

Want to read more Dreadfully Dutch Fake Facts? Check out Part 2 of this list.

#DreadfullyDutchFakeFacts

Stuart

Stuart is an accident prone Englishman who has been living in the Netherlands since 2001. Even his move to the country was an unintentional accident, the result of replying to a cryptic job advertisement he found one day in a local British magazine. Since then he has learned to love the Dutch (so much so that he married one of them) and now calls the country home. He started the blog Invading Holland in 2006 as a place to share his strange stories of language misunderstandings, cultural confusions and his own accident prone nature.

22 Responses

  1. A Touch of Dutch blog says:

    What a good laugh!!! And especially Frans Bauer & Jack Bauer “are related.” Excellent post, as always ;-) Have a great weekend!

  2. kiki says:

    Love the picture of you as a Zeeuws meisje.

  3. Tiffany says:

    Loving these lists! And I am a big fan of the illustration that goes along with this one :)

  4. orangesplaash says:

    Hilarious, specially the last one.

  5. julia says:

    I really love learning about different cultures. Thanks for the help with the Dutch. I already thought the Dutch were really tall (I also think they’re all blond like the Norwegians). I’m not surprised they have mountain and hill envy. I also suffer from that affliction as I’m from South Louisiana where we’re just happy if we’re above sea level.

    Ja Hoor makes me think of the song “Jai Ho” by the Pussycat dolls. Maybe it means the same thing?

  6. French Bean says:

    Heh, heh. I laughed when I saw this post’s cartoon, and the “fact” the a Dutch person under 6’5″ is expelled to Belgium.

    How do they treat foreigners who measure a gigantic 5’4″? :-P

    OOH! And Queen’s Day! Is that the day where everyone personally invites the Queen Mother to dinner at a coffee house to sit in a Dutch Circle?

  7. Jules says:

    Frans Bauer is definitely the scarier of the two, though! I think I just gave myself the heeby-jeebies just typing his name!

  8. Invader_Stu says:

    A Touch of Dutch blog – Thank you. I’m surprised no one has made the connection before. they both have the same last name and they have both been known to torture people :)

    kik and Tiffany – Thanks. I’m just trying to find the inner me :)

    Orangesplaash – Thank you :)

    Julia – It could well be the same thing.

    French Bean – How did you know that is what Queen’s day is? It’s not too far from the truth really. The royal family have been known to pop into people’s houses when invited in for a cup of tea when passing by. It gives their security no amount of headaches.

    Jules – Frans Bauer taught Jack Bauer everything he know.

  9. Keith says:

    I’m disappointed that you never mentioned the hugely successful “Dutch Mountain Rescue Team” and their record of saving so many lives by not rescuing them.

    Are Belgians over 6′ 5″ expelled to Holland then?

  10. Invader Stu says:

    That’s a brilliant one. I wish I had thought of it. Mind if I add it?

    The Belgians might try but there is no way in hell the Dutch would let them unless it was only so they could take the mickey out of them.

  11. French Bean says:

    Hm. What else can you tell us about the Great Speculoos of 2009 war between Holland and Belgium? >.>

  12. Invader Stu says:

    Well… It all started when the Belgium decided they would try to keep all of the Speculoos for themselves. The Dutch were never going to stand for that so they amassed a huge army to take all of the supply by force. However, when they arrived at the Dutch boarder Belgium was not willing to give up with out a fight……..

  13. Wezz6400 says:

    I know that with our haircolor shaving every day is optional, as nobody will see the difference. However, if you’re gonna wear women’s clothes you might want to shave for once. ;-)

    Also, I lolled irl when reading about the epells to Belgium. We should remember to kick them out again when we invade.

  14. StephanieC says:

    I *KNEW* they were all tall or else exiled. It only.makes.sense, and now your blog i hard proof. Hard proof my friends.

    Oh, and speed bumps rule!

  15. StephanieC says:

    *is

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