How (Not) To Pick Up Dutch Girls – Part 1
It is a late summer evening six years ago. I am still young, free and single. I am standing at the checkout of my local Albert Heijn super market. The young and attractive Dutch girl in front of me beeps the ingredients of my pasta dinner over her scanner. I decide to show off a little and talk to her in Dutch.
“Mag ik een tasje?” I ask.
With a smile she reaches under the counter and gives me the requested bag. The rest of our little flirtation continues in Dutch as she asks the usual questions; do I have a bonus card, would I like to pay with cash, would I require a receipt. I reply to all her questions with my perfect Dutch vocabulary. Slowly our brief little moment comes to pass. I am about to leave but then…
“I have to ask. Are you English?” she suddenly asks.
The poor girl. She is obviously powerless against my irresistible English charm. I turn back to her with a smile. There is still a long line of people waiting to be served but all she must be able to think about is the terrible feeling of knowing she let me walk out of her life without getting my phone number. Maybe my dinner for one was about to become a dinner for two.
“Yes I am.” I reply with my best ‘I’m British so I’m as smooth as James Bond’ smile.
“Rightttttt. You’re accent is horrible. You should never talk Dutch again.” And without another word she starts serving the next customer.
My ‘smooth as James Bond’ smile suddenly becomes an ‘awkward as Hugh Grant’ stammer. After a few stunned seconds I decide to leave… quickly.
WOW. Hooray for Dutch “honesty”.
hahaha omg, bitch!! Which AH was it? Think she’s still working there? We can go terrorize her.
Nice! And then people wonder why I won’t attempt to speak it publicly and just resort to nodding and smiling :P
Kiki – the good thing is I can blame my bad Dutch on her and say I was traumatised against talking Dutch for a few year. If you’re willing to back me up on this claim as a phycologist we could sue her for damages.
Breigh – It was AH in Haalrem train station. If she still works there we can use the comeback I thought of 20mins later; “Yeah… well… you’re English accent sucks.”
Melissa – I know right. It can be very scary talking to Dutch people in their own language. I only did the nodding thing for a while after that.
Really?
You haven’t made it up right?
haha that’s funny :)
But at AH i have always noticed when we try to speak Dutch, they give strange look, (i think because they are too young, most of the times students and not that mature ) and if you speak English there are many chances those young girls /guys don’t speak it well and so we end up communicating in sign language ! [which ends up one way with they giving attitude of who cares and we with that awkward as Hugh Grant’ stammer ;) ]
The “your English sucks” retort does actually work quite well. There have been a few occasions where the children I teach have giggled at my poorly worded Dutch sentence and then I bring them right back to reality with reminding them that their English isn’t so stellar either. :]
OMG LOOOOLLLLL Sorry… I know it must’ve been totally awkward for you but this is just so funny… LOL
Then again: I am sure that Dutch speaking English most of the time sounds horrible as well..
But still *SNORT*
Oh, I know that feeling. I tried to speak some Dutch to someone I sort of know and he simply said, “I can’t understand your Dutch.” Not the best encouragement. And when I go to AH and try to speak Dutch, they often respond in English. And yet everyone’s so insistent that people moving to the Netherlands must speak the language! Make up your minds! ;)
Ouch! That’s extremely painful. I tried some Dutch in Albert Heijn the other day, it was a rush of adrenaline and I didn’t have time to think about it.. predictably I got a reply in some good English. The thing is I don’t want to sound too much like I’m trying to copy their accent in case they think I’m making fun of it. Or at least that’s my excuse.
Oh my God! Yes, that’s Dutch-“honesty”-otherwise-known-as-“lack-of-social-skills”-in-the-rest-of-the-world for you!!! Lol!
Lopa – Yep. This is completely true. I always get the strange look as well but this is the only time I’ve ever had one of them make a comment.
Heather – I hope you use the word ‘suck’ as well.
DutchBitch – Oh it was totally awkward but I was more stunned than anything.
Alison – It’s like they have a split personalty and can’t choose. The thing I always find strange is I am used to hearing people murder the English language every day but no matter how strange they pronounce things I can usually understand them most of the time. But if you get one small thing ever so slightly wrong in a Dutch word they have no clue what you are saying.
Andrew – Every time I try a Dutch accent its not really of a Dutchman talking Dutch. It’s of a Dutchman talking English in an over the top stereotypic way with lots of umms and errs. So I’m with you on the not trying it in case you offend them thing.
Aledys Ver – So probably thought she was helping me.
Agh that always makes me so mad! I’m patient with their horrible English, they can be patient with my horrible Dutch!
Chortle. The correct retort was, “So, do you think my accent’s sexy? Want to help me learn Dutch?” Such a missed opportunity;-)
Let’s not confuse honesty with rudeness.
1) “Your accent is horrible” is an honest opinion, a personal impression – and not necessarily a fact. We can reply it with: “Dat is maar JE mening”.
2) “You should never talk Dutch again” is arrogant an rude.
I love the Dutch honesty, it is liberating in many cases. But when I am confronted with rude remarks like the one above I reply with elegant sentences I always have in my pockets such as: “My pleasure”.
Oy vey.