20 Years in the Netherlands – A letter to my younger self

Hello Stuart,

Welcome to the Netherlands. Don’t panic!

I know everything feels very weird and overwhelming right now but I am writing to you from the future to tell you that everything will be alright. It might not feel like it now but you’ll get through this. In fact, today I am celebrating twenty years since you/me moved from England to start our new life in the Netherlands. I know that might come as a bit of a surprise since you think you’re only coming here for six months but… Surprise! We’re still here. Celebrating 20 years in the Netherlands.

This is probably a good moment to warn you that this letter might contain some spoilers. To be honest I have no idea what writing a letter to my past self like this will do to the space-time continuum. Just try to do whatever you were already going to do anyway in the big important situations and hopefully we won’t create a paradox.

Having said that, there are a few suggestions I’d like to give that should make things go a little smoother here and there. Let’s be honest with each other. We both know we are very accident prone and have a habit of getting ourselves into some truly bizarre situations. 

Now, I know your first instinct is going to be to deny what I just said. However, considering you’re now in the Netherlands because you applied for a job without realizing it was in another country we both know it is true.

And it’s not as if your accident-prone nature is just going to suddenly disappear after you accidentally move to the Netherlands. Your usual confusion plus a language and customs that you don’t yet understand are going to be a recipe for disaster at times.

Talking about recipes, that reminds me. The first tip: Please learn to cook chicken properly. Giving yourself food poisoning within the first few days of living in the Netherlands wasn’t the most triumphant start to our new life of independence living away from our parents.

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. I know that right now you only have one week in a hotel booked. It was all you could find before coming over here and you thought it would be easier to find another hotel once you arrived. I’m going to be honest. That was kind of dumb. You’ve just arrived at the start of 2001’s tourist season for goodness sake. Every room of every hotel is taken. What were you thinking?

Now, before you panic it is going to be okay. Your new employer is going to sort out a temporary apartment for you pretty quick… Just be prepared that it’s going to be a kind of weird Dutch apartment, even by Amsterdam’s standards.

The country you are now living in is called the Netherlands, not Holland. Holland is a province within the Netherlands, not the whole country. I know that right now, whenever you hear someone talk about the Netherlands you think they are talking about a neighboring country. Frankly it’s embarrassing how long it takes you to work out that is not the case. Anyway, moving on… 

You’re going to find the Dutch pretty direct in the beginning. At times you’ll even think they are a bit rude but you’ll learn to appreciate their directness and even value it. It can be so refreshing from all the British ‘beating about the bush’. It also shows a deep level of honesty to the Dutch. Apart from the ones that are actually just rude… But that’s just because those ones are a**holes, not because they are Dutch.

The point is you are going to really like the Dutch. So much so that you are going to end up marrying one of them… Oops, er, sorry. That’s a big spoiler. You are going to meet the love of your life over here. She’s going to be the most amazing woman you’ve ever met and you won’t be able to imagine your life without her.

Anyway, back to where you are at the moment. Don’t stress too much about trying to understand the Dutch Guilder. In a few months it’ll get replaced with the Euro anyway. However, please stop using the phrase, “colourful Monopoly money,” especially when talking to the Dutch about their (original) currency.

Learning the Dutch language is going to be hard. Your first experience of Dutch lessons is going to be kind of off putting. Not because it’s hard (although it is) but because your Dutch teacher will have the weird habit of getting you to translate his semi-erotic self written stories. Don’t ask. You’ll see what I mean.

But if you could just put in a little extra effort when trying to learn the Dutch language in the early years it would really help me out. I mean, by the time you are me we can hold a decent conversation in Dutch but it’s not great. Plus, our kids are always correcting us and… Oops, Sorry. That’s another big spoiler. You are going to have two kids, a girl and a boy. They are amazing but there is no dignity in having your Dutch corrected by someone who has a favourite Teletubby.

Okay, sorry for jumping around like this. I didn’t mean to give so much away. Ummm… What next? Oh yes…

The first time you hear about Sinterklaas is going to be pretty confusing. However, try not to respond by telling the Dutch that he sounds like, “the Dutch version of Santa.” They really don’t like it and it turns out Sinterklaas is actually the original. Honestly, it’s amazing you/we didn’t cause a diplomatic incident within British/Dutch relations in the early years.

Now, to get serious for a bit: after about three years you are not really going to be enjoying living in the Netherlands any more. In fact, you’re going to start hating it. You’ll feel like you don’t really fit in. You’ll be thinking about giving up and leaving but don’t worry! At your lowest point you are going to break your ankle and it’s going to be great. It’s going to solve everything!

Okay, that probably sounds weird in hindsight but I promise it’s true. Two months of hobbling around the Netherlands with your leg in a cast will make you realize that if you can survive that you can survive anything. It’s going to be one of the few turning points in your life and getting past it will lead to so many other great things.

Hopefully telling you all of this will help you get through some of the more confusing and difficult times easier. More importantly, I hope it will help ease your mind. Right now you are wondering if you’ve made the right decision moving to another country (especially given the unintentional nature by which the opportunity presented itself). I can tell you that it is going to turn out great. Just stick with it. Even through the difficult bits. The amazing life we have now is all thanks to you (and accidentally applying for that job without realizing it was in The Netherlands). Always remember that the best things can happen because of unexpected things.

Oh yeah. And remember…

• Stay away from the company lift at night
• Don’t make a sandwich when you are drunk (you’ll end up at the police station)
• Stay away from Dutch drop (liquorice)
• Remember to register yourself at the ‘gemeente’ (preferably within the first few weeks of your arrival and not eight years later)
• Rhinoceros does not translate to ‘eenhoorn’ in Dutch
• A fake suntan isn’t a good idea for you

Cheers,
Older Stu

WHAT!!!!???

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