Why Speaking Dutch with the Dutch Rarely Works

I have come to the conclusion that the Dutch have a very special ability. It might even be possible to call it a superpower. I am not sure if it is a skill that they are born with or one that develops naturally over time. Either way, it is something that I have encountered a lot.

Every time I try to talk Dutch with an unfamiliar Dutch person they are able to detect, analyse and identify my accent before I’ve even fully formed the first syllable of the first word of my sentence. It is entirely possible that the Dutch can hear my accent as I breathe.

“Ohhh. You’re English,” they will often interject as I stand there with my mouth open having only muttered the sound ‘umm’ or ‘err’ or simply having coughed. They even managed to say it with a hint of surprise. This suggests they should have identified my accent sooner (before I entered the room for example).

Difficult Dutch Letter Sounds

It is either a form of superhuman hearing that allows the Dutch to do this or they have just had a lot of practice hearing people mangle their difficult language beyond recognition. The second option seems more likely because it is probably something that happens a lot (so often that they have been able to fine-tune their accent detection instincts.) Maybe they have even learnt to identify certain mistakes with certain countries (thus aiding the identification process).

“Oh. You pronounces the ‘ei’ sound as ‘aaa’. That’s a classic English mistake.”

Wherever I go in Holland it is almost impossible to say anything in Dutch without being immediately identified. Speaking Dutch with the Dutch is incredibly difficult. This must make life very stressful for any spies who are trying to lay low in the Lowlands. They must be in constant fear of detection just from having to have a casual conversation with a passer-by.

The Language Skills of Dutch Children

Even at an early age, Dutch children seem to have this special power. Have you ever attempted to speak Dutch to a small Dutch child? I have. It rarely goes as you expect. In my experience, they might not be able to identify your accent yet, they might not even be able to fully understand that there is such a thing as a non-Dutch person but they will know something is wrong. They know it just by hearing your attempts to speak the language. A language that they themselves have not even fully mastered yet. Then they will just stare at you in an awkward silence (awkward for you, not for them) as if waiting for you to stop being strange and start making sense.

No one can hold up to that kind of pressure for long. If you are a spy there is no dignity in having your cover blown by a three-year-old.