The Englishman Who Spoke Good English
It has finally happened. After all the years of waiting and hoping and wondering how I would respond it has finally happened, the one thing I have been waiting for all this time. I’ve been mistaken for being Dutch.
It all started when I spotted a couple walking towards me in the street, clutching a map, both sharing the same confused look upon their faces which suggested they were utterly and completely lost. I already started to wonder if this could finally be the moment but I tried to push such thoughts aside and not hope for it too much. The disappointment would have been crushing.
Instead I waited as the space between us closed one step at a time. I tried to not look at them too much as we got closer and then… just as we were about to pass each other it happened…
“Excuse me… do you speak English.”
I almost fist pumped the air in triumph.
It was the lady who had asked the question I had been waiting all this time to hear. Her husband was still too busy gripping the map and looking at it intensely. I don’t think he was quite ready to admit that they were lost yet but I did not care about that. All I cared about was that someone had finally asked me, an Englishman, if I spoke English. She had even said it very slowly, over pronouncing each word in her Yorkshire accent in the hope that ‘the foreigner’ would understand.
I decided to play it cool. I had been waiting for this moment for a long time and had an equally long list of highly witty come backs prepared but I did not want to throw the moment away too quickly. There was still one other thing that could make it perfect.
After five minutes of giving directions to the wife and five minutes of the husband’s best ‘Honestly, I know where we are’ impression we were about to part ways. For a moment I thought I had waited too long and missed my opportunity but then…
“Thank you. And can I just say… you speak very good English.”
I could have hugged her. I almost did. She really had mistaken me for being Dutch more than I could have hoped.
“Thank you. I am English.” I replied instead (number 234 on the highly witty come back list).
She looked embarrassed for a moment while we both chuckled about this revelation and the husband attempted his best ‘I was not listening but I just worked out where we are for myself’ impression. I bid them farewell and skipped down the street.
Little did I know that my next attempt at helping tourists visiting Amsterdam would not go so well.
This blog post also has a radio reading by Alan Lambourn:
The Englishman Who Spoke Good English – Radio Reading
If the above player does not work you can also listen by clicking here.
“Thank you- so is yours” would have been my come back :-)
Of course, you do realise that you now need to reveal the other items on your list …
Owww… that would have been a good one. And you have a point about having to reveal the other ones. Maybe I might do a follow up but I don’t know if they are just funny to me.
Lol!!! I don’t think I’ll ever have this moment with Argie tourists … or Spanish speaking tourists for that matter – well, I live in the east, we just get German tourists over here! :D But oh, glorious moment indeed!!
For some reason even Dutch people ask me for directions…that gets interesting…
Aledys Ver – At least you have the fun of getting to mess with German tourists
Jules – I’ve had that too. Most of the time they give up and walk away when they hear me try to speak Dutch. I can’t fool them that I am not English once I open my mouth.
Teehee, always great fun! Too bad most anglophones won’t believe me when I say I’m Dutch. Because I don’t sound Dutch. Well, no, actually that is the point of studying English! :P One woman went so far as to demand that I speak Dutch.
I completely understand the appeal of this whole situation! I was thrilled when some German tourists stopped me one day to ask for help about parking and they started by asking if I speak English. “Of course!”, I answered, as every Dutch person seems to respond to me. I do keep waiting for the moment when someone does commend me on my English. I haven’t decided whether I’ll admit to it being my first language or just let them think I’m quite talented at languages. Oh, the irony! ;) Sadly for now, I only get Dutch people stopping me for directions.
I live in a village full of islands and dead end streets between Amsterdam and Zaandam . Bacause of that many people get lost and ask for directions. One funny thing always happens: after hearing my instructions in Dutch a “blanke” Dutch person will always ask for directions again to someone else after riding/biking some meters. If it is a Surinamese, Moroccan, or foreigner they feel confident about what I tell them and find their way.
Anneke – You should carry an ID around with you to prove it to them. I can understand how they feel though. I had a Dutch co-worker who I spent a year thinking was English because he spoke it better than me with a really posh English accent.
Alison – It will happen to you one day. I had almost given up hope but it still happened.
A moment that was long-time in the making. Congrats!
I had some similar experiences in Dijon when tourists would ask me for directions…in French. It made me happy when I was able to answer them correctly and frustrated me when I couldn’t. My brain seemed to think “you’ve been here for 7 months and you *still* don’t know where such-and-such place is? Loser.”
In France, I still come off as a foreigner based on the way I speak (I don’t quite have the verbal fluidity of a native) and I have people tell me constantly that I speak French well, but what really floors them is when I reveal that I am an American; they almost can’t believe it. :-P
And just last week, I helped out some French tourists here in Miami who thought that I was French! Ha, ha, ha! The sweet taste of success! True, it happened outside of France, but it happened nonetheless! :-D
(Okay, this comment has been long enough.)
I was on holiday in Berlin, standing on the corner (watching all the girls go by), when I was approached by an American couple.
“Excuse me, spreken zee englisch?”. I thought “This one is too good to miss!”
I replied in my best Oxford english,”I’m awfully sorry old chap, but I’m afraid I don’t speak it at all”.
With that he said “Sorry”, and turned and walked away! Unbelievable!
Keith, that’s gold!
I’m still waiting for that wonderful moment too Stu. Surely it will happen one day. I do regularly have Dutchies stop me on my bike to ask directions, which I always cycle away feeling awesome about that I’ve been able to do it until that facepalm moment that I realise I’ve sent them in the wrong direction! At least I could do it in Dutch though!
French Bean – I think it still counts outside of France. In fact I would even go as far to say it counts even more. Think about it. A French person expecting that another person in France is French is not amazing as a French person in another country thinking the person in front of them is also French even though they are not in France.
Keith – I wonder how many blocks away they got before they realized what had just happened.
MissNeriss – Ive done that a few times. Or I spend 5mins with them trying to work out the directions to where they are trying to get to only to realize that I have no clue.
Glad to read you got your “moment”! Many a Dutch have asked me for directions..and it makes me feel proud that I moved beyond the “ik weet het niet” stage long ago :)