The Englishman Who Spoke Good English
It has finally happened. After all the years of waiting and hoping and wondering how I would respond it has finally happened, the one thing I have been waiting for all this time. I’ve been mistaken for being Dutch.
It all started when I spotted a couple walking towards me in the street, clutching a map, both sharing the same confused look upon their faces which suggested they were utterly and completely lost. I already started to wonder if this could finally be the moment but I tried to push such thoughts aside and not hope for it too much. The disappointment would have been crushing.
Instead I waited as the space between us closed one step at a time. I tried to not look at them too much as we got closer and then… just as we were about to pass each other it happened…
“Excuse me… do you speak English.”
I almost fist pumped the air in triumph.
It was the lady who had asked the question I had been waiting all this time to hear. Her husband was still too busy gripping the map and looking at it intensely. I don’t think he was quite ready to admit that they were lost yet but I did not care about that. All I cared about was that someone had finally asked me, an Englishman, if I spoke English. She had even said it very slowly, over pronouncing each word in her Yorkshire accent in the hope that ‘the foreigner’ would understand.
I decided to play it cool. I had been waiting for this moment for a long time and had an equally long list of highly witty come backs prepared but I did not want to throw the moment away too quickly. There was still one other thing that could make it perfect.
After five minutes of giving directions to the wife and five minutes of the husband’s best ‘Honestly, I know where we are’ impression we were about to part ways. For a moment I thought I had waited too long and missed my opportunity but then…
“Thank you. And can I just say… you speak very good English.”
I could have hugged her. I almost did. She really had mistaken me for being Dutch more than I could have hoped.
“Thank you. I am English.” I replied instead (number 234 on the highly witty come back list).
She looked embarrassed for a moment while we both chuckled about this revelation and the husband attempted his best ‘I was not listening but I just worked out where we are for myself’ impression. I bid them farewell and skipped down the street.
Little did I know that my next attempt at helping tourists visiting Amsterdam would not go so well.
This blog post also has a radio reading by Alan Lambourn:
The Englishman Who Spoke Good English – Radio Reading
If the above player does not work you can also listen by clicking here.
I get all excited when people ask me for directions. It happens all the time because I don’t hide my eager, over-excited face too well. My biggest thrill was, one day at my kid’s bus stop, someone thought I was Hispanic and asked me for directions in Spanish and I managed to tell them where to go. It’s those little thrills that get me up in the morning.
Congrats for having your moment.
Congratulation on your moment to shine. :D I get stopped pretty frequently by both Dutch and non-Dutch visitors. The interaction usually goes “Buzz Buzz Dutch-something”, me “huh?”, them “oh, you don’t live here” and they wander off. To be fair, I’m terrible at directions even when they do try to tough it out in English.
Orangesplaash – I know how you feel. I was so happy when I moved beyond the ‘Hu? What?’ stage.
Julia – It’s great when those kind of things happen, especially someone thinking you were Hispanic. Cool.
Amanda – That’s what happens to me all the time if the people asking for directions are Dutch. I’m always surprised that just because I did not understand them in Dutch they think I wont be able to help… but then again to be fair I do suck at giving directions as well.
I say that to Texans all of the time.
Hi, Stu, it´s always so funny to read you! I wish I could have more time to go back on your blog and read old posts. Anyway, congrats for your “moment” !!!
Greetings from Zuidoostbeemster!
Wendi – That you are English or that their English is very good :p
Leti – Thanks :) Greetings from Rotterdam
You had me at ‘fist pump’… lol.
Hahaha I love this story. I can’t recall having the same experience just yet. But I get the same feeling when I showed a fellow expat yesterday how to use the ret machine, in Dutch. Must say though, I love the British accent.
Yes, Stu – I get to mess with German tourists here in the east… but I can’t mention the war! I think I did it once or twice, but I got away with it! lol! (from Fawlty Towers)
Fawlty Towers reference FTW.
(Fawlty Towers Win vs. For The Win.)
And perhaps you are right, Stu. Maybe it is more significant to have the French believe that I’m French when they are outside of France. ^.^
I’m so glad that you had your ‘moment’ :)
When people here ask if I speak English I simply reply “well yes, I do actually – and rather well.” It works a treat each time – I’m such a smug bitch;)
You know I wish this would happen to me. Russians nearly fall and die of heart attacks when they hear me speak Russian without an accent. Then I have to stand there and think, am “I a ghost or they will actually be ok and not have that seemingly creeping upon them heart attack?”. It’s awkward and a bit annoying. For the record, yes non-Russians, especially Africans can speak Russian without an accent, they might have a story to accompany that. But if you are staring at them like you have seen a ghost I don’t think they will want to elaborate on that story!
Hihi Glad you got your fun moment however, it must have been priceless indeed :)
StephanieC – Fist pumps are always good
PinayinDutchland – I hope they understood Dutch as well :p
Aledys Ver – “You started it.” “No we didn’t.” “Yes you did you invaded Poland.”
French Bean – I think it is :)
zed – That must make me a smug bitch to because that was reply 56 on my witty come back list.
Efrutik – You should use the moment that they are staring at you to just suddenly shout “BOO!”
LOL! I’d love to hear the rest of your comebacks one day :-)
Good pne Stu! We get asked this qute a lot here in the Oude Haven, as you might imagine. My favourite answer to the “Do you speak English?” is “A little” :)