Summer Ransom

Summer Ransom

Dear Holland,

I am holding your summer captive. If you ever want to see it again you will meet with my demands. If my demands are not met you will never get to wear that new bikini you just bought to the beach. I know you are Dutch and will most likely go to the beach in the freezing cold anyway but you know what I mean.

To prove to you that I am serious I have enclosed ten minutes of partly sunny weather between out bursts of rain, just enough to make you think wearing shorts was a good idea this morning.

Now that I have your attention my demands are as follows:

1) My own windmill.
2) A canal named after me.
3) A lifetime’s supply of Speculoos.
4) Tea to be served as god intended, with milk and sugar.
5) A pair of clogs (size 41).
6) My upstairs neighbours to stop having loud noisy ‘intimate time’.
7) A very large wheels of cheese.

An address for a drop of point will be sent later.

Do not call the cops. If I see any cops your summer will become a victim of ‘global warming’ if you know what I mean and that large amount of money you just spent on that air conditioning installation will become a very poor investment indeed.

Kind regards
The kidnapper

Stuart

Stuart is an accident prone Englishman who has been living in the Netherlands since 2001. Even his move to the country was an unintentional accident, the result of replying to a cryptic job advertisement he found one day in a local British magazine. Since then he has learned to love the Dutch (so much so that he married one of them) and now calls the country home. He started the blog Invading Holland in 2006 as a place to share his strange stories of language misunderstandings, cultural confusions and his own accident prone nature.

37 Responses

  1. Vico says:

    smart and brilliant, but… WE WILL FIND YOU !!!

  2. Dragonlady says:

    Do you have confederates holding us to ransom in Britain as well? Is this going to become a global thing?

  3. Invader Stu says:

    Vico – You’ll never take me alive.

    Dragonlady – If I say yes am I getting sent to bed with out dinner?

  4. Amanda says:

    I may just go steal summer from Vermont. They’ve been having 32 degrees C weather and sun.

  5. Invader Stu says:

    Amanda – No fair. You can’t undo my plan by stealing another countries summer… er… I mean… You can’t undo the kidnappers plan…

  6. Anke says:

    I’m coming home this week and I’ll try to bring some sunny weather with me, over here in Missouri, USA we can certainly miss a couple of degrees (It’s 33 degrees already and it’s before noon!)

  7. Invader Stu says:

    Anke – I never thought this plan would be so easily over thrown. I will have to stop you you do realize :p

  8. Wendi says:

    I do not know what a Speculoo is, but I think I need one.

  9. Leti Locatelli says:

    This post is too good to be true! I read it to my dutch boyfriend but for some reason he didn’t find it so funny as I did! hahaha
    Greetings from Holland!

  10. Lopa says:

    I am not Dutch and so it is not possible for me to go to beach in freezing cold, so can you please spare some sunmer sun this side?
    I promise not to share it with my Dutch colleagues ;)

  11. Chris V says:

    You make the exact same complaint people here in Seattle have been making.

  12. Invader_Stu says:

    Wendi – It’s the most addictive thing in the world. You need it: https://accidentallydutch.com/?p=990

    Leti Locatelli – He must have really been looking forward to the summer.

    Lopa – Hhhhmmmm… I don’t know. you might not intentionally share it but there will be other people around you.

    Chris V – I kidnapped their summer too.

  13. Alison says:

    I guess negotiations are being made, since there’s talk of 28C later this week. Quite the change from the 9C it was this morning. This has been one of the weirder summers so far.

  14. Invader Stu says:

    Alison – A friend of mine put it into perspective last night. He said that yesterday was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year and the half way marker of summer. Meaning we are supposed to have had some summer already and we don’t have less left :(

  15. Keith says:

    Do you know vot ve do to kidnappers venn ve kapture zem?
    No? So you vont even tell us zat?

    (Sorry old bean, but I can’t do a Dutch accent, will German do?)

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