Dutch Circle Party Guide – How to Survive a Dutch Birthday
If you’ve lived in The Netherlands for any length of time you’ve probably encountered a Dutch birthday party, and if you haven’t you will eventually. It is inevitable. A Dutch birthday party can be best described as a ‘party’ that involves sitting around in a circle all afternoon and chatting while drinking tea or coffee and eating cake. Because of this they have become know as Dutch circle parties among a lot of people (expats and Dutch alike). Anyone who only considers a party to be a party if someone is passed out drunk in the corner, people are making out in the kitchen and the cops have been called at least three times is going to be sorely disappointed. Here is everything you need to know.
1) Gefeliciteerd and Arriving at the Party
When arriving at a Dutch circle party you will be expected to greet everyone, not just the birthday boy or girl. Don’t expect to get away with a general group, “hello,” either. You’ll have to make your way around the circle, greeting each person individually (with a handshake or cheek kisses, depending on the situation).
At this point it is very important to know that when the other attendees shake your hand and announce ‘Gefeliciteerd’ they are not introducing themselves with their name. It might start to seem like you are being introduced to a very big family (or that Gefeliciteerd is a more common name in The Netherlands than Smith) but they are in fact wishing you, “congratulations”. You are expected to congratulate them in return. Don’t make the same mistake I made when attending my first Dutch birthday party.
Guest: “Gefeliciteerd.”
Me: “Stuart. Nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Gefeliciteerd.”
All this congratulating happens because it is custom for the Dutch to congratulate everyone at the birthday party. It is not (as I later discovered) because they are unsure who the birthday boy or girl is (don’t try to be helpful by pointing). Family members will be congratulated for their connection to their Son/Daughter/Grandchild/Brother/Sister/Niece/Nephew/Cousin/other. Friends will be congratulated for being friends with their friend and neighbors will be congratulated for living next door to someone who is having a birthday. Every loose connection to the birthday girl or boy is celebrated.
2) Joining The Circle
The party will take place exclusively in the living room because that is where the seating has been arranged. Anything that even resembles a chair, sofa or stool will have been dragged from every other room in the house (or in emergencies the neighbors house) to form a circle. This is possibly because it is the optimal seating arrangement that allows for conversation.
Small side note; it does not technically have to be a perfect circle but I cover that in my post on Circle Party Closed Loop Theory.
Once you have successfully found a place to sit within the circle (not necessarily next to the people you arrived with and most likely between people you don’t know at all) you will be offered a drink and some cake. If you desire a drink with a little extra kick it is advisable to secretly conceal a hip flask of alcohol about your person. The strongest thing to be served at most Dutch circle parties is tea and coffee.
If all the congratulating from earlier has left you confused about who the birthday person is don’t worry, they are most likely the one who just served you tea and cake. In fact, they will be responsible for all the catering. They don’t get much of a rest on their special day. They even have to buy or bake their own cake.
3) Meeting the Family and Other Party Guests
The guests you’ll find at a typical Dutch birthday party are usually a mix of friends, family and other acquaintances. It is custom for there to be a minimum of 3 or 4 generations of family present (the maximum limit is only set by the average human life span). This makes it entirely possible to go from a conversation about life as a member of the Dutch resistance during World War 2 to another about which My Little Pony character is the best and why. It’s best to avoid getting these two conversations mixed up. Princess Twilight Sparkle was never part of the Dutch resistance.
However, since a lot of these conversations will be in Dutch and thus impossible for a non-Dutch speaker to follow it is best to find something of interest to do to pass the time such as; staring at a wall, listening to the clock tick, trying to guess how much Dutch ‘worst & kaas’ you can eat or simply going to your happy place.
4) Dutch Circle Party Surprise
However, you must also stay alert! As a non Dutch speaker it is possible to go from being unintentionally ignored to suddenly having the entire room focus upon you within a split second. This is usually because everyone is waiting silently for your answer to a question that you didn’t hear because you were too busy watching a bug crawl across the window.
It can happen because a Dutch attendee simply wanted to practice their English, ask you what brought you to the Netherlands or simply want to know the current prices of the UK housing market. Whatever the reason, everyone in the room suddenly wants to hear the English speaker talk and they never seem to realize what a shock to the system this sudden intimidating attention can be. Nor do they realize that testing us on our Dutch under the watchful eye of a room full of native speakers is not necessarily the most comfortable of situations.
5) When Does a Dutch Circle Party Finish?
But do not worry if you are outted as the only expat in the room. You will not have to suffer for long. Most Dutch birthday parties have a set end time at a very respectable hour. In fact, when most parties elsewhere in the world are just getting started a Dutch circle party is promptly finishing. If you are unsure when you should leave, don’t worry. The host or hostess will politely remind their guests it is time to leave by cleaning up around them.
PARRTTTYYYY!!!!!
- Find out more about the Dutch Circle Party by checking out these posts:
- How To Identify a Dutch Circle Party
- Dutch Circle Party Closed Loop Theory
- Children’s Dutch Circle Party
I’m Dutch and I absolutely hate these circle parties too. At my own parties I always make sure there are not enough chairs for everybody. That works remarkably well.
I’m glad that my boyfriend missed out on that part of the Dutch genome…he has booze at his circle parties. Granted, he makes you wait until 4 pm to start, but at least that’s better than nothing.
ja, I was lured by the Telegraph article… I haven´t been to a Nederlands circle party. However, Norwegians have a afternoon coffee and dessert party and everyone sits and talks and talks. There is a common phrase sitte og prate (sit and converse – meaning a long time). Is it not true that you can´t leave the circle during the party? Mostly because the chairs won´t unlock? with the host smiling and filling your cup and plate? Circle or dessert parties can get old and boring with some of the same relatives or friends, but drunken nonsense with music too loud to discuss anything is so much better? ja, onkel Max or `sweet 16´ niece Camilla doesn´t want you to know how old they are or the attention but to forget their birthday would make them …invisible. :( You know, I am speaking in a light-hearted manner but I am also kind to Oma/mormor who did these parties long before electricity or printed materials, I think.
Ferry – Thank goodness things are starting to change. Future generations of expats will breath a sigh of relief.
Aledys Ver – Hehe. Thanks for telling me about that great reaction :)
Michiel – As long as it does not become a Dutch standing circle party :p
Jules – Yes, you need booze so that you don’t end up drinking tea.
iver – Oh I try to leave belive me but my English politeness keeps me trapped there.
Have you ever been at a Dutch funeral? That’s even worse. If the deceased is a close member of your family you have to line up at the reception while everyone filters past, kisses you one by one and says ‘gecondoleerd’. You can be there for a very long time, kissing uncle so and so you haven’t seen for a hundred years! Very painful!
The tea and the hapjes are much the same!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a dutchman I don’t think it is that bad. Of course, when the people in the circle are boring, then the circle can be pretty annoying. (I can say that from my own experience and maybe I am boring, too ;-) But if you learn to speak Dutch and don’t wait for others to start talking to you and begin a conversation yourself, you might enjoy it a little bit more. You can even use English if you’re uncertain about your Dutch, since most Dutch people speak English. I don’t promise you will have the time of your life, but at least the time may pass a little bit faster :-)
I am also Dutch and have a good tip. I have found that suggesting (early) to start drinking something stronger than coffee is often very well received, especially by the male members in the circle. The party will end when your wife/girlfriend comes to get you from the kitchen and insists that you go home. And offers to pay the host for the ruined carpet where you dropped your cigarettes.
I’m Dutch and I tend to go to my happy place/watch spiders etc ALL the time at these parties. Luckily, my family does not AT ALL like these parties, but they appear to be the height of fun within my boyfriend’s family, especially with the elder members…
I’ve tried refusing to congratulate everyone (just saying hi when you come, after congratulating the birthday boy/girl seems fine to me), but they won’t take no for an answer… Does anyone have any advice for this? I used to live in France, such a civilised country in this respect…
I’ve heard about them, heard the horror stories and managed to avoid one so far. Gotta love the Dutch!
Lol this is so brilliant :D It’s exactly how we celebrate all the birthday stuff, but I’m used to it.. Didn’t know it’s so awkward to non-Dutchies
Dutch guy here, this is indeed how at the very least most birthday parties are. However, there are plenty of these WITH alcohol (usually only beer and wine though) However, they are indeed a horrible bore and I don’t really celebrate my birthday because of this shit.
Funny article
In South Africa we do pretty much the same, except replace the tea with beer, and the table full of cheese snacks with a bbq.
Great post! And very true! I never realised that a “Circle Party” was that… euh lets say “special”… Now that I have read this post I realise that all the birthday parties I go to are exactly like this. And I now feel a little bit sorry for my wife who is Chinees and dragged to all the parties the last few years. And is about to give one herself…
Anyway I’m still laughing about your story! :-)
Hello, this is a great blog!
“It’s best to avoid getting these two conversations mixed up, Dora the Explore was never part of the Dutch resistance”
One of the funniest things I’ve ever read on the net =D