Awfully British Fake Facts – Part 2

Awfully British Fake Facts - Part 2

1) Buses, phone boxes and letter boxes are all bright red because every English person is colour blind. If buses, phone boxes and letter boxes were not red no one would go anywhere, phone anyone or post anything.

2) The post service in England is called the Royal Mail because the Queen likes to deliver every letter personally (and Prince Philip deals with the overseas post).

3) There are sharks in the Thames.

4) No one has ever told the Queen that we lost the empire a very long time ago. It is every English person’s responsibility to make sure she never finds out.

5) Every English person can quote every line from Monty Python and Faulty Towers and does so on a daily bases.

6) England is the main importer and exporter of rain and bad weather in Europe.

7) English people like to complain and can complain about anything. Even if there is nothing to complain about the English will complain about the fact that there is nothing to complain about.

8) The English are well known for their politeness, shyness and modesty when it comes to receiving compliments but secretly we crave them, expect them and get quite annoyed if they are not given often enough.

9) If the English ever discover intelligent alien life they ‘will’ try to communicate by simply talking louder and expect to be understood (most likely while bartering for the intergalactic equivalent of a Spanish straw Donkey).

10) England is doomed if anyone ever figures out that the easiest way to bring the country to its knees is to cut off the supply of tea. The English are basically addicted to tea like drug addicts are addicted to crack. Have you ever seen a tea intervention? It ain’t pretty.

11) Those who use bad grammar are either executed or exiled to another country (why do you think I live in Holland?).

12) British Rail is well known for its train delays. There are still steam trains that are delayed due to leaves on the line.

13) Every English person has a butler. Even butlers have butlers.

Want to read more Awfully British Fake Facts? Check out Part 3 of this list.

#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts

Stuart

Stuart is an accident prone Englishman who has been living in the Netherlands since 2001. Even his move to the country was an unintentional accident, the result of replying to a cryptic job advertisement he found one day in a local British magazine. Since then he has learned to love the Dutch (so much so that he married one of them) and now calls the country home. He started the blog Invading Holland in 2006 as a place to share his strange stories of language misunderstandings, cultural confusions and his own accident prone nature.

22 Responses

  1. Just a Plane Ride Away says:

    I live in England and can certify that all of these things are true–fingers crossed behind my back, of course :)

    Nudge nudge wink wink say no more.

    Hope you are having a good trip and drinking lots of proper tea.

  2. Dragonlady says:

    Don’t forget the wrong type of snow that brought British rail to a standstill afew years ago.

  3. StephanieC says:

    Oh lordy… leaves on the tracks. Now I know why Via Rail was always delayed here in Canada in the fall. It all makes sense!!!

    And if every butler has a butler… my gawd… they just might be the largest importer of white gloves, methinks.

  4. Invader Stu says:

    Keith – Well that was said a few days ago so I guess I am in trouble now :p

    Just a Plane Ride Away – Thanks for backing me up *wink* I’m ashamed to say I probably drank less tea while in England.

    Dragonlady – or every time it snows.

    StephanieC – White gloves and bow ties. There is a national budget for them.

  5. Smiling Eve says:

    I thought that the right to complain about there being nothing to complain was reserved for the Dutch themselves.

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