Declaring Myself As The New Dutch King
People of Holland!
Upon this day I, Stuart, would like to officially announce my successful invasion of Holland and the installation of myself as your new leader and ruler.
Do not be afraid. Although this new development might sound quite alarming at first please remain calm and give it a moment to sink in.
The invasion was successfully completed yesterday when I put up some flyers announcing myself as Holland’s new ruler and no one objected.
I promise to be a just and fair ruler, a nurturing and caring leader, the kind you can invite around for tea with your ‘oma’. I promise to keep the changes to your daily life minimal. All I ask is that you refer to me as ‘King Stuart’ if we ever pass each other in the street. I also ask that you be nice to each other and don’t play your music too loudly when travelling on the public transport.
I know that I might not be a true Dutchman. I know that I might not have been born and raised amongst the windmills and tulips. I know that I might only have the Dutch language skills of a five year old but I am a true and proud ginger, a fact which makes me as orange as anyone else from this, soon to be great, country. I also eat stampot once and found it ‘lekker’.
I will be ruling the country from my apartment in Rotterdam where all important decisions about the countries future will be made over a cup of hot coco (with a biscuit). However, I cannot work on Saturday’s because it’s my turn to tidy the apartment and do the shopping so you’ll have to look after yourselves on that day.
If there is anything that you would like to see changed as I lead Holland to a bright and bold new future please send me your ideas and I’ll see what I can do about them. Unless of course it is a complaint about me as your new leader. Then I’ll most likely ignore it.
Groetjes
– King Stuart
@Citizen Stu – A break down? What? Why, you! Classic gaming is not a break down! Just for that you will be keelhauled. ;-)
Dragonlady – I guess it does
Wezz6400 – Are you sure you are not having a break down because it sounds like someone set you up the bomb :p
Stu, as someone who lives in a city which has no concept of convenient public buses and bike lanes, I’d be more than happy to accept my title as Minister of Transporation! :D
P.S.
I’d like to wield a scepter so I can use it to whack people on the head when they don’t respect the rules. :P
Barb the French Bean – I think that sounds fair
How about abolishing the army? They cost quite a bit and simply getting rid of it worked out pretty well for places like Costa Rica and Liechtenstein. Lets face it the Dutch army doesn’t actually do anything anyway.
We could spend the saved money on ice-cream, tizer, education, and transport.
Getting rid of army = Angry Strikers (so says my experience in France)
Barn – The Dutch are not French, they don’t block all the roads and start burning everything to the ground whenever there is nothing worth watching on TV. If you get rid of the entire Dutch army no-one will notice. You will have a few more unemployed but they are cheaper than paying for an army and about as useful. It will save a fortune which we could wisely invest in a giant chocolate fountain for dam square.
Silly monarchists! This is no way to have a civilized dictatorship! Kings are so 18th century.
The way to cement your rule is to call yourself a president and hold an election where you win 100% of the vote (preferably by not having any opposing candidates and by making yourself the only eligible voter).
Europeans and their kings…
So it’s going to be: One Man, One Vote. You are the Man; you have the Vote.â€
Citizen Smith & Barb – Calm down you two. How can I get rid of the army if I need them to stop you two being at each others throats :p Anyway… you had me at ice-cream.
Wrong Side of the Pond – I know kings have been getting it wrong for centuries but I’m sure I’ll get it right. How hard can it be. Besides, I have one important guiding vessel of knowledge that kings of the past did not… wikipeida.
Yorrick – Yes… but I’m nice so it will be good.
King Stu,
In order to win over the hearts and minds of the local and ex-pat populations of this country I humbly suggest the following additional measures:
Strawberries covered in chocolate to be given out to all loyal subjets at all major train stations every friday.
Car chases should be organized at least once a week on major motorways, and that these chases should be as exciting as possible and should involve at least 10 police cars, a helicopter, and Jason Statham.
Every Albert Heijn should be forced to devote at least half its space to food that isn’t boring, this should be audited weekly by german auditors who have no sense of humour. Any stores not meeting this requirement should be blown to dust by a bunker buster bomb and the crater left as a warning to others.
All local council offices to be redesignated as ‘happy fun palaces’, and all staff should wear clown outfits and trained in simple magic tricks and making ballon animals.
What do you think?
Sheesh. Between the holidays and visitors I completely missed this news of your takeover. Actually, I blame my Google Reader for making it almost impossible to read stuff anymore. Can you do anything about that as ruler? Anyway …
Long live the king!
Citizen Smith – I love it. Although I think the German might be to serious for making sure the food in AH is fun. It might not seem very efficient to them.
Alison – I’m not sure Google comes under the durastiction of Holland but I’ll try.
Abolish circle parties!